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Military Themed Humor

U.S. Insurgency-Building Project in Syria Hits Snag

Raqqa—U.S. forces deployed to Syria recently in order to help another Middle East nation build its insurgency have run into a problem.

 

“Already have four or five insurgencies here, in Syria” said top General Fred Grizzly. “Two’s what we’re used to creating through ignorance and casual racism… Not sure how much more we can do in this situation.”

 

Normally, the U.S. follows a familiar foreign policy playbook. It takes a stable dictatorship in North Africa, South America, the Middle East (sometimes Southeast Asia) and invades, deposing the dictator and plunging the formerly-oppressed, authoritarian country deep into sectarian violence. The ashes of the war give rise to bloodshed hitherto unimaginable to civilized society, when different religious, ethnic, or political groups jockey for power and cleanse their rivals.

 

Syria threatens to upend that tried-and-true formula.

 

“Normally when we arrive in a dictatorship, the country has been at peace for five or ten years,” said Frank O’Reilly of the Brookings Institute. “It’s only after we capture and execute the dictator that we can get started on fostering the insurgency we need to justify staying.”

The insurgency factory

Even the Pentagon will have trouble managing and fostering five insurgencies at once in the same country (Wikipedia)

“Syrians have been butchering each other like rabid animals for a variety of reasons since 2011,” O’Reilly said.

 

Other experts agreed. Rob Whiteman of the conservative Heritage Foundation said “the problem here is that there’s still a dictatorship—the brutal Assad regime. That’s something we can’t abide—need to take it out, replace it with an insurgency. But which one? Nusra, ISIS, the Kurds, the Free Syrian Army, they’re all insurgencies. It’d be perfect, if I weren’t so dang complicated.”
Some say that the number and success of competing insurgencies in Syria should absolve the US of any need to build insurgencies. 2-time veteran of Iraq Staff Sergeant Bertie Ronalds of 1-75 Ranger Regiment said “If they already have these insurgencies, I dunno, maybe we should just stay out and let them just do their thing, right? Like, mission accomplished?”

 

Others see this as a rare opportunity. “I went into Afghanistan back in 2001 as a Lieutenant,” says Lieutenant Colonel Harold “Hank” Jackson of the 10th Mountain Division. “There was one insurgency already going, the Northern Alliance. Used that to replace the government, got ourselves a good ol’ insurgency with the Taliban. They been going longer than WWI and WWII combined!”

 

Given the proliferation of insurgencies already active in Syria, Generals were drawing up plans to quarter the number of combat troops requested by Pentagon planners. “We’ve never faced a situation like this before,” said General Grizzly, “but in our experience, it costs us nothing to go light. Makes the men resilient, adaptive. Every soldier’s a sensor. And every sensor knows, it’s time to build the world another insurgency. Get ‘er done!”

From A Certain Perspective, Trump and Clinton are Just Like Us

Most people look at Trump and Clinton and feel anger about either or both of them. The two candidates for president are disliked to the point of hatred, historically so. Most people can’t get over the vulgar past or present of either candidate. Their lack of integrity, their history of bad choices, their calamitous behavior even in the present. Hell, there’s been an assassination attempt of Trump. It was clumsy, but it happened, in public. That’s not supposed to be possible.

 

What’s the antidote to this hatred? Simple: find common ground. For people who dislike Trump, here’s something they may not have considered: Trump is probably afraid of dying.

 

It’s hard to hate someone who doesn’t want to die, whose motivation for doing things, however misguided, comes down to wanting life over death. And all evidence points to Trump and his supporters preferring living to dying. Of the many ways in which one might die—sickness, old age, accident, murder, war, heart attack, all of them are almost certainly undesirable to Trump and most if not all of his supporters. Chances are, you have that in common with them—you prefer life to death. That’s an opening—take it! Use the bridge. Walk over to the other side. Say: “hey, man, I get it, you don’t want to die. Me neither.”

 

This happens to be true of Clinton and her supporters as well. I mean, I’m voting for Clinton and I sure don’t want to die. Bitten by a shark so that my blood spills out into the ocean until I sink into the depths? No thanks! Cancer, aneurysm, Ebola? Nope, no thank you, nay. I’m very pleased with being alive, rather than the alternative, and I’m willing to make a dramatic extrapolation from my feelings and guess that Hillary Clinton herself doesn’t want to die, nor do the majority of her supporters. They want, instead, to live.

 

Remember Hitler? Crazy fuck killed himself. He didn’t care—and it showed. Most people can’t empathize with Hitler. Is it likely that Clinton or Trump are actually Adolph Hitler in disguise? No, that is not likely.

 

What is likely, as pointed out earlier, is that almost everyone involved in the election would enjoy a pleasant Sunday stroll with no obligations beyond marveling at the scenery around them. And that enjoyment is infinitely preferable to all than getting mauled to death and then eaten by a giant grizzly bear, or crushed by some heavy object such as a piano, or a train. Watching the debates is difficult, but infinitely preferable to getting shanked in the side repeatedly by a stranger, or by a former friend. Garroted by piano wire definitely less desirable than buying a toasted bagel with butter down at the corner store, even for people with lactose intolerance.

 

And that holds true for Trump supporters and Clinton supporters. Crazy, but true. Beyond the hype and excitement, most of us just really don’t want to die.

 

Here’s hoping we don’t!

How To Defend Against Terror Attacks

Since 9-11, terror attacks have been on the uptick. Recent credible threats from ISIS have made it more imperative than ever to ensure that one is secure against the possibility of terrorism. Fortunately, if you live in Europe or America, there are a few easy steps one can take to guarantee total security. I should know, I’m a security professional.

 

1) Trust nobody. How well do you know your neighbors? Chances are, in this modern world, the answer is: Not very. When you think about it, most of their activities that you assume are benign could, instead, be part of a horrifying plan to destroy you and your beloved democratic society. Begin keeping extensive track of all neighbors’ movements. Is that bag of chemical fertilizer really for their lawn or garden? Or have they secretly been hoarding fertilizer for years, in order to build a giant bomb? The only way to be absolutely certain is to break into their house/basement/shed and confirm with your own two eyes. If confirmation isn’t possible, it’s probably because they’ve cleverly deceived you and are hiding their explosive intentions elsewhere. Continue surveillance.

 

2) People who look like they’re from the Middle East are active threats. They must be neutralized. That’s a euphemism—of course I mean killed. The authorities are powerless, so do the right thing and kill any Arab/Turk/Persian/Afghan/Pakistani American or European citizens one encounters. They might not be terrorists, but then, you can never be sure. And who wants to take that risk?

 

3) Killing random Middle Easterners will likely make you a target of law enforcement, and if (like me) you live in America, that’s just what the Muslim President Obama wants. The police and FBI will be hunting for you, so you’ll need to take active measures to defend yourself and your family. That will mean bringing the fight to them where and whenever possible.

Yes—you will have to attack the police and the FBI. It’s the only logical thing to do.

 

4) While killing Middle Eastern foreigners who are citizens of or visitors to your Western country as well as the law enforcement personnel sworn to protect it, don’t forget about things like food, ammunition, and potable water. It’s easy to lose sight of the long-term logistical challenges of securing your security. Have you barricaded your house against marauders? That will require lots of wood, metal, and concrete. All of that stuff is expensive, especially the better-quality material. You’ll need a better job!

 

5) Higher education is required for a better job, and is expensive in terms of time and money. You’ll need to take out a loan or two to finance this part of your security plan, and return to college. Right now, computer science is hot, as is business. Improving your education will be costly and exhausting, but is critical to your financial independence. Between killing foreigners, ambushing and evading law enforcement, keeping tabs on your neighbors and fortifying your house against reprisals, you’ll need to be very economical with your time. Many universities offer night classes for adults with day jobs.

 

6) Now you are making enough money to fund your pro-security campaign. Don’t forget to protect your assets from seizure by Muslim federal agents. Get a lawyer (unless you are a lawyer, and that’s how you’ve chosen to make more money), and protect those assets. Many people will want to make cowardly attacks on your possessions—the very possessions you are trying to secure from the terrorists.

 

7) There’s no way around it—all of your security measures are creating more logistical and social problems to solve. You will need to run for political office, so that you can legislate change from the inside. Only the powers of President will enable you to fight Muslim terrorists, Muslim Obama’s fascist police, barricade and provision your home properly, protect your assets, as well as taking copious notes on your neighbors’ activities.

 

8) Unfortunately, the people didn’t agree with any of these sensible ideas and called your campaign “the delusions of a paranoiac.” Obama’s tyrannical government seized your assets, and even turned your beautiful wife and children hostile, leaving you with nothing! Don’t despair, victory is still within reach—you must wage an active insurgency against everyone and everything. Begin by procuring fertilizer for a giant bomb to blow up the government. Only then can you be absolutely certain that you have achieved… total security.

How or Why Does Jesse Eisenberg

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Jesse Eisenberg is in a new movie. Why?

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Double trouble – Eisenberg as himself in a Dostoyevsky-inspired film. Is it as bad as you think it might be? No, it’s worse.

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Rumor has it Eisenberg was told in Social Network that he would be starring in a documentary about his life. To date it’s the only movie in which he has not attempted to act.

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Zombieland: not the first movie where one is surprised to find oneself rooting for the zombies, nor the last. Unarguably, however, the worst. Key to this badness is Jesse Eisenberg.

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Fun fact – in his spare time, Jesse Eisenberg is an amateur magician. This was the second part of the pact with Satan he signed, the first of which detailed how he would become an incredible Hollywood star. His magic tricks include transforming into a black cat, the ability to fly during certain days of the year, and a trick he has never performed in public called “Feast of the Hallows.”

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Remember Kevin Bacon in Flatliners? Wasn’t his best film. Way better than anything Eisenberg’s ever done. Jesse Eisenberg: the socially maladapted man’s Kevin Bacon.

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There’s a sequel to “Now You See Me” coming out. Who will be acting in it? Two humans, Jesse Eisenberg doing a barely passable impersonation of a human, and Woody Harrelson. I’m thinking – not sure here, but just spitballing – that Eisenberg got Harrelson on something bad. Like maybe Harrelson fell for a honeypot with a 17 year old or something. I mean I’m not saying that happened, I’m just trying to figure out why Harrelson keeps pulling for Eisenberg. Look at his face!

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it’s like he’s crying for help. “I did True Detective, you think I’d just fucking waste my time like this? Someone stop the fucker! He’s got the deed to my grandpa’s house!” Some Happy Gilmore shit, that’s what I’m talking about.

Fucking Eisenberg. Goddamnit!

6 Clinton Emails Recovered from Russians

When Hillary Clinton wiped her server, she didn’t factor in a backup server of her emails that existed in the Kremlin. Moving off tips from Ukrainians on Wednesday, American hackers working for the NSA were able to briefly access heavily encrypted FSB servers, successfully downloading six of the missing Clinton emails before the hackers were discovered and shut out.

Clinton has referred to the emails as “personal,” containing correspondence between her and her daughter Chelsea on wedding dress selection, as well as emails about yoga. Nevertheless, Clinton has drawn criticism for having not released all the emails to the public.

Here are the six emails recovered from the Russian cache that was downloaded from her computer between 2009-2011, available for the first time on Say Again, Over:

ClintonPaxton

ClintonPellman

ClintonTauscher

ClintonDelacourt

ClintonZucker

ClintonChelsea

Jeb Bush: America Must Do More to Protect Israel

Jeb BushOnly one country has stood with America steadfast since its founding. One Middle Eastern stalwart in a sea of Communist sympathy, Arab nationalism, Turkic nationalism, and, more recently, Islamic Extremism. That country is Israel, the world’s only Jewish democracy. In return, America and the West have supplied them (covertly) with nuclear weapons. Israel has benefited from billions of dollars worth of direct support from Jewish citizens from around the world, from advantageous deals, investments, and gratis pro-Israel propaganda as well as sympathetic media coverage. They’re America’s best ally in the Middle East, and a beacon of democracy, capitalist values, and the idea that dialogue and reason are always preferable to violence (unlike many of their neighbors).

Israel has never been more vulnerable to destruction, and has never needed America’s support more than it does today.

America loves Israel, and should want to do everything in its power to protect it. That’s why the only responsible thing to do – the only morally acceptable choice available to America and the West – is to destroy Israel. As it stands, the nation, the physical place – the buildings, the citizens, the constitution, the roads and schools and hospitals – will continue to become more and more attractive targets to haters and radicals the world over. It is and will always be a magnet to those whose hearts are filled with anger.

Israel must be destroyed, every stone of it, until nothing remains but our memory of the place, and photographs.

Consider: between its destruction as a political entity by Rome in 63 BC but prior to Israel’s (re-) founding in 1948, how many time had the Jewish state been attacked or assaulted (apart from constantly by virtue of its occupation by Christians and/or Muslims)? Never. It didn’t exist. It couldn’t be attacked. Through all this time, people the world over kept their love for and belief in the Holy Land alive. When some jerk would say “I don’t think Israel was all that awesome, back in the day,” a good and reasonable person would usually respond that “nope, wrong there, guy, Israel was the best,” and the conversation was basically over.

What if Iran gets nukes? If America has already destroyed Israel – maybe with a few nukes of its own – Iran would feel so burned, so stupid. They’d be sitting on these dangerous bombs that could fall into the hands of ISIS or Kurds, wishing they’d been able to destroy Israel first – but America would’ve beaten them to the punch – because it loved Israel. And any time America had to negotiate with Iran about anything, Americans or Europeans could say: “you should destroy Israel some time, it was super fun – wait, it’s already been destroyed, sorry,” and the Iranians wouldn’t be able to do or say anything. Imagine their Iranian faces going beet red. Now imagine that same American or European delivering the coup-de-grace: “I’m thinking about Israel right now, creating it with my brain. It’s the best country possible. They’re dancing in the streets, for joy.” The Iranians’ heads would probably explode!

But this isn’t just about Iran, Iran is symptomatic of a larger problem. It’s not about the Palestinians – the people of Palestine, to put this in terms anyone will understand, are like America’s black people, or Europe’s Muslim immigrants, or the Uigher Chinese, or the Hazara in Afghanistan. Or any non-Japanese in Japan. The Palestinians are poor and gross, and just mentioning them is a huge bummer, unless the purpose of mentioning them is to point out that one of them has died trying to rocket Israel, in which case, mission fucking accomplished, and can we please destroy Israel already.

Egypt’s problems? Just solved half of the Muslim brotherhood right there. Ditto Jordan, Syria, Saudi Arabia, and – come to think of it – most of the violent jihadi impulses in the Middle East. All those people saying “Death to Israel?” Gone overnight. Worst of all, it won’t be because they destroyed Israel – which is what they want – it’ll be because they know that America or the West or Russia or whomever just wiped it off the face of the earth, only to place it forever as a twinkle in the eye of progressive politicians, writers, and intellectuals for the rest of eternity.

Either the West is serious about protecting Israel and making sure it survives as a political entity, or the West doesn’t really care about Israel and wants it to be overrun some day by the largest angry mob the world has ever seen. No – the West created Israel, and now, to ensure its life, the West must destroy it, as swiftly and completely as possible. The only alternatives are unacceptable.

OP-ED: We Must Act Now or Risk Not Acting

By Hillary Clinton

"Let's do something violent, almost anything, actually, before it's too late and we can't anymore."

“I didn’t want to go here, but Chelsea’s baby wants us to act.”

My fellow American citizens. In this time of trouble, when the American nation is beset on every side by foes bent on its destruction, it’s more important than ever that we stand together as one. I know some of you were angry when I took President Obama to task for being weak-willed and indecisive earlier. And I’d just like to say that while he hasn’t acted as tough, or been as decisive as I would’ve been had you elected me in 2008, even he has seen the need, now, for us to stand together as a people, and lead a coalition of nations against the Islamic State, or ISIS, or ISIL. He knows that the time has come to do something – anything. He understands, as I have for some time, that if we don’t act, we risk not acting at all.

Let that sink in. Even now, we run the very real risk of continuing to do nothing while this crisis unfolds.

And that’s the worst thing possible. Just ask my husband, Bill, who’s been on record saying that not acting, choosing instead to usher in an unprecedented era of American economic prosperity during the massacre in Rwanda, was his biggest regret. Now, he couldn’t have done much – if you look back at newspapers from the time (as I have instructed my capable staff of non-2016-election-campaign-volunteers to do) you’ll see that we didn’t have half the momentum to intervene there that we do with Syria or Iraq – mostly, I suspect, because Republicans hate black people. Which is neither here nor there. The point is, Bill didn’t act and it haunted him. For example, he may be the only person in the world who watched “Hotel Rwanda” more than once. Can you imagine such a thing? To sit through that example of Oscar-bait trash required an actual, deliberate exertion of my not-unsubstantial will – and he watched it twice. It’s practically an obsession.

Worst of all, when you think about it (as few of us do, ever, let’s be honest), is how that genocide unfolded so quickly, and was really over before we could do anything. The time to act came and went, and life has gone on pretty much as it did before, without any negative consequences for anyone beyond the people living there. About whom, if we’re being frank with ourselves, few people care. Global instability doesn’t really threaten us, although if we were to sustain lengthy involvements in other countries indefinitely, it could destabilize our economy. Whatever, we’ll figure that out later. That’s not the point.

The point is, we have momentum to act now in Syria and we must – before we lose it. Acting – bombing, destroying – will make us feel a lot better. Heck, it’s not going to make things worse, things are already terrible. The ISIS and Islamic State and Al Qaeda legions (or, you know, the units and such) are stronger than ever. Even though in every other war we’ve fought, bombing with the most restrictive rules of engagement seems only to create more civilian casualties and enrage the population being bombed (forcing them closer to their presumably criminal, repressive government and therefore reaffirming that government’s claims of legitimacy), it also creates massive, awesome explosions, which we can see on the news, and use to reassure ourselves that we’ve done some tangible good in the world. That we’ve done something.

I’m not going to lie – it’s great business for America, too. The 47 Tomahawk cruise missiles *alone* cost almost $75 million dollars, to say nothing of the cost of deploying costly and maintenance-heavy jets, the bombs we’re dropping (most precision-guided munitions clock in at $80,000 a pop), the ships needed to launch the cruise missiles, etc. The number is so big, it’s tough to ballpark. Let’s just say that American businesses that dominate this sort of action just hit the lottery, and stand to make a lot more money in the coming days. And hey – that’s good for the economy. You don’t need to subscribe to “trickle-down economics” to see how making business for American employers and employees helps our bottom line as a nation, unless you hate America. And you don’t hate America, do you, my friends? My countrymen and women? Citizens like myself, and Bill, and Chelsea, and her baby? What about Chelsea’s baby?

I didn’t want to go here, but Chelsea’s baby wants us to act. That’s right. A tiny child, barely old enough to perceive the difference in shades of color, incapable of speech, would be disgusted if we were to sit on our hands and miss this golden opportunity to do something magnificently pointless, save for the aforementioned benefits to U.S. industry as well as the fact that it will satisfy some primitive emotional desire to see things done. Chelsea’s baby needs this, America. Don’t deprive an innocent, sweet human child of pleasure, and bring tears of sadness to its squinty, too-perceptive eyes.

Anyway, what do you people have against action, anyway? Would you rather just watch and see which violent, extremist group emerges from the chaos of war, without doing anything? Which hate-filled, ideologically or religiously intolerant group develops while the Middle East burns? I admit, that is certainly the eventual outcome whatever we do, I’m not a fool. No sane or rational human being with even the most superficial understanding of history would dispute that claim. Things are going to be  a lot worse in a couple years, exponentially worse, for our foreign policy and strategic interests in the region, almost incalculably so. Let’s just say I’m not planning on going back there, ever, and leave it at that. So why can’t we have some fun before the lines metastasize, and we can’t fly over Persia or the Greater Arab-Turkic Republic (GATR)?

We’ll never get this opportunity to act again, America. Bombing targets in Syria – who thought we’d do that? Bombing targets in Iraq – twice as fun the second time around. And we might, if we’re really careful about this, end up being able to put more boots on the ground, as well as bombing targets in Libya, and – it’s not too much for an old, increasingly-demented woman to hope – maybe even Egypt, Iran, Turkey, Saudi Arabia and Qatar as well. Wouldn’t that be something! Wouldn’t that just be the best!

Please, before it’s too late, America – we must act. And once we’ve started, let’s not stop this time until we’re good and ready.

McCain to American People: “The Time Has Come to Adore Great Cthulu.”

Clad head to toe in a heavy, blue robe, and wearing a disturbing beaten-gold talisman from beyond antiquity around his neck, U.S. Senator John McCain addressed reporters last night with a stunning revelation:

“Following years of archeological study in the Middle East and North Africa as well as disciplined attention to my lifelong enthusiasm for astronomy, I am confident to announce that after untold millennia, the stars are nearly in alignment.” Raising his arms to the sky while falling to his knees, McCain continued, “A new era is at hand, and at last the time has come to adore great Cthulu. Ph’nglui mglw’nafh! Cthulu R’lyeh, wgah’nagl fhtagn!”

McCain demonstrating his awful control of forbidden mystical forces with which no human should traffic

McCain demonstrating his awful control of forbidden mystical forces with which no human should traffic

McCain repeated this phrase several times, bending forward and prostrating himself with a flexibility and suppleness that many familiar with the aging Senator said was almost supernatural. Having venerated “Cthulu” for an agonizingly long minute, McCain rose to his feet and mumbled several obscure phrases before unexpectedly disappearing in a thick fog that appeared suddenly on the hot, muggy D.C. day.

“John hasn’t been able to lift his arms over his head since being tortured by Vietnamese,” said his former wife, Carol McCain. “In his announcement, it looked like he’d regained full range of motion. Maybe he’s been doing Yoga?”

His daughter Bridget agreed. “I haven’t seen dad much over the last few years, between his duties as a Senator and his hobby as an amateur investigator of the occult. I can say that he hasn’t been the same since his visit to the Libyan port town of Benghazi four years ago, when, while sailing on the Mediterranean, he was caught in an unnatural storm and briefly marooned in an obscure and savage fishing village.”

McCain has been fixated on Benghazi since that time – some would say the area is an obsession. Old friends such as US Naval Academy friend Captain (retired) Reginald S. Batamie attributed the behavior to old age, or perhaps some trauma. “Johnny has never been what you’d call impressionable. I’ve always found him to be quite stubborn. When he came back from that Benghazi trip, though, you could tell he was shaken. Talked a bit about Father Dagon, which I learned was a sea god worshiped by the Philistines and Phoenicians. Even when he returned from Vietnam, I felt like I still knew Johnny – recently, I haven’t been sure.”

“Great Cthulu,” the being or thing referenced by McCain in his speech, is, according to fantasy / horror writer H.P. Lovecraft, an old monster that sleeps beneath the waves. Cthulu is, in other words, an absolute fabrication, despite some modern-day Cassandras’ vehement protestations to the contrary.

Last seen commandeering a small sloop near Baltimore, McCain is said to be leading a group of Arabs, North-Africans, and swarthy Semitic half-breeds toward a sparcely-populated island (with an unsavory reputation dating back to before America’s founding) in the Chesapeake Bay.

Top 10 Hottest Jihadis: IS Beard Edition

Beardless Obama is a shameful, unattractive, and weak leader.

Beardless Obama is a shameful, unattractive, and weak leader.

In all the hoopla over whether or not the Islamic State is a true Caliphate, or which city they’ve taken over in Iraq or Syria, or how many minorities they’ve oppressed, or which Western country has contributed the most jihadists to which extremist group, the media has persistently overlooked one key element of the extremists’ strategy: the sexual magnetism of their fighters and leaders, expressed by their beards. Here, for the first time ever, is a comprehensive list of the top 10 hottest jihadis currently active in the Middle East.

10) Clanking of the Swords IV Best Supporting Actor: Angry Chechen

Clanking of the Swords IV Best Supporting ActorThe Angry Chechen has a robust and manly beard, and a microphone he carries with him at all times. What woman would not want to bear two of his seventeen children? Little known fact – the microphone is actually his chief weapon for bludgeoning opponents to death – his voice is self-amplifying, and requires no electronic enhancement. Can recite the Koran in three languages, four if you count Klingon.

9) Executioner Iraqi Guy who was actually born in Yemen

Unknown Executioner 2The Executioner Iraqi Guy who was actually born in Yemen doesn’t have the strongest beard, but he enjoys an unusual advantage in that his beard grows to its full length in two and a half days. Upon learning this, his opponents are generally struck by an abiding awe of the jihadist, which explains his ability to extract such terrific acting from people he’s about to execute on video.

8) Whiz Khalifa

Unknown 1 Iraq“Whiz Khalifa” stole this nickname from a rapper of middling talent. The chief beard attribute, apart from its fantastic bushiness, is how it frames the jihadist’s face, and the jihadist’s warm, generous smile. Khalifa is often smiling, because violence and murder bring great joy, and there’s so much of it to go around. Incidentally, this jihadist is a woman.

7) The King of Saudi Arabia

Pathetic beard, no real authority

Pathetic beard, no real authority

A real man would have a much larger and more intimidating beard. That this beard is only seventh greatest betrays true power of Saudi Arabian false idol – eroded by years of corrupt consorting with Western culture, and bowing to false gods. A stronger beard would (and should) be at least twelve times larger and bushier than this depressing display of testosterone.

 

6) The Shephard of Slalaudin

Unknown RecruiterSlalaudin is a town in Jordan long known for its luxuriously-bearded men, and strong martyrs. It is said that they support the King of Jordon only because he does not tax them, and that if he tried, the Kingdom would fall within a week from their furious assaults on the castle. Slalaudin is Arabic slang for “hijab-dropper” or, more accurately, “he whose beard results in women shedding their clothes gleefully despite punishments for disobeying marital and religious obligations.”

5) Al Baghdadi himself

Al BaghdadiSo fucking hot. Women and men alike yearn for one fleeting caress of his lissome gray chin-waterfall, but his heart is reserved for (in reverse order of importance) building a lasting Islamic State, serving as its Caliph, knowing the Koran backwards and forwards in his sleep, and Allah the most merciful. Only the Prophet Mohammed (peace be upon his name) and Allah are rumored to have greater beards than al Baghdadi.

4) The Ginger Jihadist of Mosul

%22Ginger Jihadist of Mosul%22Makes a great claim for gingers everywhere to begin growing their beards immediately. His beard, in addition to testifying accurately to his amazing martial prowess, also grants him “second sight” or visions of the future. Rendering his sexual charisma and powers of prophecy neutral are said to be America’s top two priorities (in that order). Curiously, as he does not dye his beard, the hair on his head is actually completely white – due, it’s said, to an encounter with a jinn during his childhood spent wandering in Syria’s vast uninhabitable desert.

3) Syrian Al Qaeda Jihadist

Syrian Al Qaeda Jihadist with Magnificent BeardNobody could be blamed for falling in love with this “beast from the [relative to America starting from New York] east.” And nobody has – he has taken over twelve hundred wives, all of whom have borne him multiple children. Uses unorthodox, highly-secret Al Qaeda technique of actually growing hair so long and rigid that no beard or mustache is necessary – just copious amounts of hair gel, manufactured only in Mosul.

2) “Everyone listen to me, I have an idea! Listen and heed my words, for my beard is the strongest!”

My Beard is the Strongest

1) Shakir Wahiyib

Shakir WahiyibShakir – pronounced “shaker” – makes a powerful case that a man’s beard, given too much strength, too much natural charisma, can lead to his undoing. Much like the biblical tale of Sampson, whose hair was cut off (by a woman, curiously – perhaps she wanted to wear the beard for herself?), Shakir’s meteoric rise in the Islamic State, tied directly and incontrovertibly to the handsomest beard among his colleagues, has also led directly to a fierce competition with leaders whose beards are not quite as perfect, not quite as irresistible. Shakir’s long, flowing locks – the source of his conquest – may also lead to his hasty downfall. As they say in the Islamic State: “live by the beard, die by the beard.”

Aleppo Resident Announces Conversion to “Kurd Yazidi”

Sargon Adad never abandoned Aleppo. Not when the revolution began and Assad’s soldiers began cracking down, not when the moderates left and al Nusra and the rest of the extremists took over, not when they left and Assad’s soldiers returned. Despite everything, Sargon – a handsome young man in his twenties – felt confident that his faith in Islam, a disciplined work ethic, studies of English language and culture, and a generally good world order would provide him with a way out of the ongoing catastrophe that has been his life since 2011. On Friday, that all changed:

“I want to be Kurd Yazidi,” he said in broken English.

Scripturally, the Yazidi worship an archangel created by God who disobeyed God when God created Adam – or, as the Christian and Islamic traditions would call it, “devil worship.”  Sargon is a studious and bright man, and he understands well the significance of turning his back on Islam, especially in the context of his religion’s polar opposite. But he doesn’t care, not after what he’s seen unfold over the last 24 days – Americans bombing IS in Iraq to help an oppressed people, the Yazidi. A miracle.

Archangel that defies God after creation of man = definitely Satan, according to Christian, Islamic tradition. Unquestionably.

Archangel that defies God after creation of man = definitely Satan, according to Christian, Islamic tradition. Unquestionably.

“Kurdish Yazidi devil worship will mean America can help Sargon, the person,” said Sargon, tapping himself on the chest and articulating a cynical if accurate description of humanism. “Help stay alive.” Sargon flipped through an Arabic-English dictionary briefly before continuing. “Islam bad, devil worship good.”

Sargon’s family is all dead or gone – one brother fled to Moscow before the worst of the fighting, and the rest died in bombings, gassings, or during fighting when they took one side or the other. Sargon’s story isn’t unique, or even unusual – sister assaulted by Assad’s police, led to father and younger brother taking up arms against the government, led to their deaths. Mother and youngest sister killed by mustard gas fired by Assad’s soldiers. Youngest brother conscripted by al Nusra, whereabouts unknown, presumed dead. Eldest brother – lucky bastard – in Moscow. Sargon himself has been coaxed by both sides to join their cause on so many occasions, he’s lost count. And although neither Assad nor the rebels seemed capable of offering peace – Sargon was hoping to slip out of the country via Turkey and find his way to America – now a different opportunity seems possible.

“If I make conversion to Yazidi, and join Kurdish party, will America help?” Sargon said hopefully during his interview. “Will we prevent from the war? Hail Shaytan,” said Sargon, without waiting for an answer, lighting a flame and bowing toward it repeatedly. “Hail the Archangel who defied God, and mastered hell!”

Sadly for Sargon, the Yazidi do not accept converts, nor could Sargon marry into the religion owing to specific taboos against doing so. As of publication, the authors are allowing Sargon to believe that conversion from Islam to Yazidi is possible.

“Okay America,” he said, tears running down his face in a pathetic display, “I bowed to Yazidi devil and denied Mohammad. Please help, now.”